From Chapter 9: Suicide: Taking the Self-Inflicted Express
"A bird shits on your car. Dammit!
One hundred birds shit on your damn car. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
But that felonious, fecal flock offers a better story at the carwash, or with your shrink or possibly even your insurance company."
"Admit it, despite the potential for greater damage to your paint job, the exponentially greater dump of excrement can also inflate the eventʼs overall societal importance. Being a prize dumpee raises oneʼs social profile in certain circles, whether those not revolving within them outwardly admit it or not."
So, I wrote this book on death. Now, I am trying to sell it. I've gotten the impression some people think that I have not fully thought this through. A book on death?
Admittedly, this effort has not been without its challenges. But I had my reasons for wanting to write it, and doing so has helped me to better deal with death. I believe the approach I’ve taken, and the writing style I use, may do the same for you. You should find it humorous, thought-provoking, distracting and easy on the id. It may not help you own death’s ass going forward, but you should come out of it with at least having given it a swift kick.
Convincing people to buy any book is difficult, so I included some excerpts from each chapter.
This should give you some idea of whether or not this book is for you. I hope you feel that it is.
From Chapter 4: The Afterdeath
"The term “afterlife” has a decidedly upbeat ring to it. It doesn’t make the person any less dead, but it seems to give them more of a fighting chance should there be something else out, or up, there.
But really, couldn’t the term “afterdeath” also apply? In the interest of chronological accuracy, shouldn’t it?
Technically, it’s the more current condition of the two. And the refreshing honoring of more dead-on vocabulary following a death might be more welcomed given the prevailing technical numbspeak by the the medical, morgue and funeral home cadre of cadaveresque-leaning linguists. It is interesting how many ways there are to say someone has died without using the word dead."
From Chapter 10: The Turds and the Bees
From Chapter 6: It's a Social Media Mourning, Everyone!
"Denial of your own death can be dangerous. Or, at the very least, it fosters a lack of preparedness that can blind you to developing a responsible blueprint regarding your handling of your life before it. And for many, how living your life while you have it affects your ranking when you don't, depending on your particular brand of spiritual eternity."
"Delving into death is no different. Look it up. You die. Or you don’t. Or your body does, but your soul doesn’t. Or, you become a ghost, a guardian angel, a tree, a cow or diaper rash. Never has there been more information available on the subject -- yet most refuse to even consider themselves an object of that subject."
"It is morbidly and cartographically convenient that hell is said to be below. With that plot point established, we can add a metaphorical gravitational pull to all of the other factions and factors, real or imagineered, that are said to help propel these immortal human morsels in its direction. Go south, yon sinner! It’s only natural!
If you are not unabashedly the sinful sort, generate an unholy amount of unfulfilled good intentions.Hell is supposed to be paved with them. And if you become a top producer, it would be difficult to imagine you wouldn’t get word that a highway had been named in your honor."
From Chapter 5: The Funeral Show
From Chapter 3: Counting
"Religious Roulette: How your interpretation of the rules of your ruling deity affect your quality of afterlife.
Wealthy: Whether WASP or just the WAS, tithing through your CPA or tipping at the tabernacle buys you solace and slumber. Crush the competitor, and keep your money in off-shore Edens, because employing many, regardless of whether it’s through your own enterprises or generationally transient stock ownership, is looking out for one’s fellow man, isn’t it?
Middle Class: Church is for Christmas, Easter and funerals or, should your deities differ, their non-Catechismic cousins, unless you have a bag on. And you know, from experience, that being so bloodshot within earshot of hymns and homilies isn’t good for anyone. The magnitude of your suffering swells exponentially should ambient aromas of incense and formaldehyde snake up your schnoz."
"Everyone should take the time to use the Internet access of their choice to look up “worldwide deaths by cause.”
A fun read it isn’t, but plan to be enlightened for as long as you’re around to digest it."
"As with most reported statistics representing a moving target such as propagating and perishing people, it takes a few years to keep check of drifting decimal points and strive to insure fair representation of who made the list by gender and age; whether it was through malady, murder or something else and where they spent their time on Earth."
Bereave:To deprive, rob, strip, dispossess of life
Ability: Suitableness or adaptation for a purpose; fitness, aptitude
~ BereaveAbility ~
The ability and degree to which one accepts and deals with loss, of life,
— that of others and their own.
From Chapter 1: Welcome
"One of mankind’s greatest if misguided gifts to mankind is passing on propaganda on how passing on isn’t so bad. This postmortem presumption may be, for many, the foundation of any fear about your own death that that is lacking, missing or mummified into remission."
"How are humans qualified to give afterlife advice as if it were on sexual, teenage base-running, when no one with any credibility can speak of their own, lasting backseat romp with the Grim Reaper? This is essentially like non-members of a certain club telling other non-members of that certain club how bad that certain club isn’t. Everyone is worse off for the premature passing of Abbott and Costello and what they could have done with that. Who’s on first, indeed."
A bit about the author.
"The Internet antiseptically delivers much of what you call upon it to offer -- or that which it foists upon you if you aren’t careful about which cookies you keep in its jar."
"Death, that equal opportunity deployer, is now closer than you ever imagined. It can easily find its way into your inbox, Twitter feed or cell phone during Junior’s tuba recital, uninvited, with a cortege of hapless hyperlinks to the gory details about someone you didn’t know you no longer know."
"This book explores how humans have the extraordinary ability to deprive themselves of serious thought regarding their own approaching deaths. This is achieved through human societal evolution and the inventing and sanctioning the use of ceremony, religion, war, denial, distraction, drugs and a few other mortality-deflecting mores addressed within."
"No small part of this is the role played by those who predecease you -- whether you knew them or not. When awareness of someone’s death should be triggering a deep, morbid and reflective consciousness of life, mortality and when one’s own ship may sink, it seems instead to launch a metaphorical fleet of celebratory lifeboats gleefully boarded by everyone still breathing."
From Chapter 12: Vampires Suck
From Chapter 8: To Hell, You Say?
Would it Kill You to Click Below?
(Nah, just kidding. Probably not.)
"Time Vampires are circling you practically every minute of every day. They are the people who directly and indirectly, through the application of idiocy and/or incompetence, literally suck away from you, for their own nefarious purposes, too-vast quantities of the limited time you have have left alive."
"Despite what mortgage companies and realtors would have you think, time is your single most important investment. You are given a chunk of it at birth, and it is largely up to you how you grow and extend it or mismanage or squander it. Given that you essentially house it, you may have more control over its location, location, location as you do its allocation."
Yea, the whole book is kind of like that. Thanks for reading.
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From Chapter 2: Managing Mortality
From Chapter 11: Vanquished Valor
"The Funeral Show is beyond complex. It’s more of a mournsterbating multiplex attended by the still living determined to witness someone they know dead still. After the death-ed event, so begins a cross-country cortege, comprised of all walks of life and acquaintance, dispatching themselves to the dais of their newly departed."
"But why do so many come from so far and wide to see someone dead who, in many cases, they wouldn’t have made half the effort when that someone was still someone? The answer is simple: to make sure they’re dead. Sure, that can sound cynical, and technically clinical, but it’s true. More than one religion and many schools of grief-counseling agree.
Closure, as it’s called, is the balm to calm those left behind with the troublesome burden of being alive."
Spending a Lifetime Avoiding the Reality of Your Death.
"Admittedly, addressing suicide can be a poison pill when purportedly supporting a premise on the human denial of death. Yet, as plain as the body of a successful self- succumber outlined in a mélange of police chalk and plasma, here it is."
"And although almost universally, societally inappropriate, suicide is welcome here as an area of discussion due to the paradox it perpetrates: Those who decide on suicide qualify as potential deniers of death’s durability because many may be driven by the blinding need to leave the living more than being part and parcel with the departed. In other words, rather than worshiping death, thereby obviously demonstrating a belief in it, they buy into its plausibility since they do not deem living a viable option."
From Chapter 7: Demographics and Damnation